By 2030, it’s predicted that 45% of women are projected to be single and child-free. Maybe it’s the increase in women’s self-sufficiency? Our relatively higher level of education than our male peers? Our failure to accept the role our mother’s played? Adding single mothers to this group highlights how the vast majority of women prefer to stay single, despite the fact that women tend to desire, if not idealize, relationships more than men. That being said, woman Iove romance like we loves candles, silk pajamas and fresh flowers catching sunlight on the kitchen table. Why do I mostly just talk about it with my female friends? Trust me, I’ve put myself out there. WAY out there. My Mom calls me a ‘wild horse,’ but I say… let’s vibrate higher!
Healthy relationships start with setting higher standards – for ourselves and for potential mates. When we do cozy up, we must also commit to feeding the relationship. That is, doing the work that keeps it functional and healthy, rather than codependent and toxic. Was your great romance hijacked by hook-up culture? I often feel that way, while also acknowledging how I wasted a lot of my youth down a rabbit hole of body dysmorphia and disordered eating. Ironically, all of the things I feared as a young woman seem laughable now. As I live yet another single, sexy and self-sufficient year – raising a highly sensitive male child feels more rewarding than dating. It certainly eats up a lot of my time. And yet, somewhere in my heart of hearts, like many women, I’m still looking for solid, patient, peaceful, committed love. Where do I start? Dating apps often feel designed to assuage predatory sexuality. With playerdom just a click away, modern courtship feels disturbingly gamified. When and if we do happen to meet that someone special, how do we do modern courtship the right way?
Speaking for millennials, a lot of us are chronically stressed and strapped! Fighting for scraps in an economy engineered at our expense – which certainly sidelines things like date night. But ‘Date Night’ doesn’t have to mean dressing up, showing off, spending loads of money, or distracting ourselves with a lot of flashing lights and pop music. Maybe I’m the only person in New York who doesn’t enjoy waiting in line, but I would trade VIP status for a good cuddle. If I could just get past my volcanic rage and fortress of defense mechanisms designed to ward off the emotional pain that accompanies intimacy. I think for many women, it starts with the B-Word. Boundaries, that is.
In their best selling book Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships identical twins Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas break down how establishing better boundaries (in personal relationships, family dynamics and professional settings) helps us increase trust and experience more mutually satisfying, honest and balanced relationships. After receiving their Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy from Adler School of Professional Psychology, Jan and Jillian emerged as leading experts in boundary setting, conflict resolution and interpersonal relationship dynamics. With an approach combining comprehensive understanding and practical application, these power twins of healthy relating have been featured on ABC, FOX and CBS.
It’s not always easy to ask for what we need. In my experience, women usually ask once we are already fed up and frustrated, perhaps even seething with anger or another embittered state. What we don’t see is that it is our attitude and emotional havoc that pushes others away from us, even when we meant to call them in. Many of us are not only used to having our needs ignored, we might even feel silenced, or subjected to mockery when we do attempt to voice our needs and concerns. With healthy boundary setting, we can learn to affirm the value others brings to our lives, learning to ask (and receive!) from a more healthy, whole and neutral state. The lofty mission behind Jan and Jillian’s book is to inspire people to elevate their value and relationships. Their method provides individuals with a framework to “assertively express their authentic voice, honor their self-worth, fulfill their emotions needs, create valuable personal and professional relationships, and set boundaries like a baddass.” With certifications in coaching, mediation, micro-expressions, body language, deception detection and crisis counseling – Jan and Jillian are paving the way for more relationship and career satisfaction! Let’s dive in.
Tired of walking on egg shells with your partner or date? Suppressing your deeper needs and feelings out of fear? Maybe you’re like me and after years of playing it safe, started speaking up only to experience heightened amounts of discord and the continuation of unhealthy relationship patterns, while now feeling like I’m the problem!? Sometimes it’s not what we ask for, but how we ask. As their book informs, boundaries are not the same as ultimatums! Healthy boundaries involve focusing on the solution, rather than making demands and increasing relational tension. As women many of us have had our limits violated, and require support in coming back to being the lead character in our own life. Rest assured, this book is for anyone who is exhausted from not being heard, understood, valued,or respected. And perhaps more importantly, this book is “For anyone ready to feel powerful and build mutually beneficial relationships,” write Jan and Jillian.
In Chapter One we learn to first ask ourself, What is my inner peace worth? If we’re minimizing personal needs, have self-esteem or patterns of self-abandonment – this may feel scary at first! However, in time, with better boundaries we can come to honor our inner values. We not only get to the root of the disconnect, we find the clarity to establish simple, mutually satisfying agreements which enable us to move forward with confidence that we are valued and respected in our partnerships. “How you communicate your value is vital to your relationship success,” writes Jan and Jillian. They’ve created the following acronym for relationship B.O.U.N.D.A.R.I.E.S.
B. Being Badass: Aligning to your inner truth and speaking from your values to maintain self-respect and mutual respect with others.
O. Owning Self-Worth: Believing in yourself from a place of internal value and setting the standard for how you deserve to be treated.
U. Understanding All Perspectives: Having an open mind for understanding and respecting viewpoints or beliefs outside your own.
N. Negotiating Differences: Clarifying different perspectives, and when needed, negotiating back and forth until an amicable agreement meets the needs and goals of the relationship.
D. Defining Values: Providing clarity, certainty, and standards for personal alignment and fulfillment in your life and relationships.
A. Asking for Alignment: Establishing boundaries by asking, not demanding, a person to work with you and agreeing to a mutually beneficial plan to support the connection.
R. Respecting Self and Others: Allowing each individual to feel heard, understood and valued.
I. Implementing Integrity: Maintaining trust and accountability by honoring one’s word and boundaries.
E. Executing Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions helps prevent exacerbating discord and the displacement of heightened emotion onto a relationship.
S. Setting Boundaries: Voicing your value during unfavorable experiences will elevate your personal life and strengthen your relationships.
Curious? Read the Boundary Baddass book to learn all about how speaking your truth and setting boundaries promotes overall well-being by enhancing mental, emotional and physical health. Coupled with healthy emotional self-regulation and the ability to embrace conflict, navigating power struggles effectively never felt so fulfilling!
Get the Boundary Baddass Book HERE
Now that you’re working on your boundaries, let’s get back to date night. Normally, as a Beauty Editor, I’m all about serving you the latest in beautification. For the purposes of this piece, let’s put appearances aside. While a mani-pedi may help you go from feeling frumpy to fabulous, let’s look at some simple ways to increase intimacy and warmth from within in our romantic liaisons. As crazy as it sounds, I want to downgrade date night. No expensive spa packages, no premiers, red carpets or exclusives. Let’s bring date night home and cheers over a raging fire, nibbling on some wholesome roasted nuts as our knees graze each other and we feel that first flash of pheromonal fireworks. Let’s see if we can pull The Lovers out of the tarot deck, or read each other’s auras. When it comes to conscious nibbles, I swear by Jewels Under the Kilt. Direct to consumer from a fruit and nut orchard in Fergus, Ontario – the company’s unique roasting process sues the last tapping of the finest dark maple syrup to preserve the nut during roasting. Since planting 150 nut and fruit trees with her partner over a decade ago, founder, president and chief roaster Elisabeth created a patented process for roasting nuts, flavoring them with all-natural local ingredients. Make sure to try out their fleet of new flavors: Original Pecan, Ceylon Cinnamon Walnut, Dry Roasted Salted Almonds, Plain Roasted Hazelnuts, Chocolate Ganache Almonds and Dry Roasted Salted Mixed Nuts. Buy three boxes and shipping is free!
Find it HERE
Circling back to the earlier paragraph where I talked about disordered eating, in maturity, I’m a firm believer that a little indulgence goes a long way. In fact, it’s necessary. When we deprive ourselves – of necessary calories, rich and delicious food or simple human connection – this is when we turn to numbing addictions and overindulgence as a form of compensation. On that note, there’s no such thing as date night without a little wine and my favorite aphrodisiac of choice – chocolate – the original ‘Food of the Gods.’ And I’m not talking about the kind of digestion-delaying chocolate pumped with dairy, sugar and emulsifiers. I’m talking food for mind, body and soil. Introducing Alter Ego, your trusted supplier of fair trade cacao products fit for the most devout of consumers. On date night, you’ll probably want to roll out one of their classic extra dark bars in flavors like Mint Blackout, Classic Blackout or Orange Blackout.
If it’s a sleepover (wink wink) in addition to bars, truffles and truffle thins – Alter Ego also makes granola and quinoa! For the conscious lover that prefers food which restores rather than depletes the environment, Alter Ego is your ‘soil to shelf’ role model brand working with small-scale farmers and fair trade policies for a thriving ecosystem. A carbon neutral company, Alter Eco plants and protects trees in Central and South America, offsetting 100% of its emissions. Harnessing agroforestry to combat climate change, Alter Ego procures the cleanest and greenest craveable food!
Find it HERE
And while you’re offering your favorite bottle of sexy red or budget-friendly but still elegant Rosé, do it like a pro with the Kairos Contactless Wine Aerator. While traditional decanting can take minutes to hours, the Kairos contactless aerator delivers perfectly aerated wine in just seconds. As the world’s first Contactless Wine Aerator, patented EM wave technology delivers perfectly aerated wine 98% faster than competitors. Not only does this state of the art wine tool guarantee elegance and ease of use, it enhances flavors and aromas effortlessly. Plus, contactless operation eliminates the need for cleaning. Because you should be making contact with your date, not struggling over a bottle. A must have for wine-lovers, the Contactless Wine Aerator is built to last and comes in burgundy, mallard or charcoal.
Find it HERE
BIBLIOGRAPHY
“Healthy Boundaries for Better Relationships: Enhancing Personal, Professional and Romantic Interactions with Jillian and Jan, M.A., MFT” The Secrets of a Vibrant Woman Podcast Episode #8, by Ashika Lessani, published May 27, 2024
